


the sun will rise and we will try again

by ohno (lovinglouist)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Depressed Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Depression, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:28:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23363209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovinglouist/pseuds/ohno
Summary: Levi and Eren are dating. One day Levi doesn't get up from the bed.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager
Comments: 14
Kudos: 143





	the sun will rise and we will try again

It was a Sunday morning when it happened again, the sun was peeking through the window, making it impossible for Eren to keep sleeping. The last thing he remembers before falling asleep was being embraced by his lover, they would often fall asleep like this, Levi would never admit it but he loved cuddling as much Eren did. He would hug him every night despite his empty threats and effortless tries in freeing himself from his grip. Ending up with Eren kissing the top of Levi’s head, whispering _I love yous_ and compliments until Levi’s ears would turn red.

Levi would usually rumble incomprehension words, a signal to let Eren know he was getting way too embarrassed and overwhelmed with his love confessions, those were Eren's favourite moments, but he would never let him know.

Every morning would start with Levi waking up way earlier than Eren. Taking a shower, getting dressed and preparing breakfast were things Levi would do before waking Eren up.

Eren was always woken up by delicate humming, Levi would always sing a song on good days, those sounds made him happy. Smelling breakfast made him happy. Seeing Levi’s face as he woke him up made him happy.

That day, there were no humming, no breakfast’s smell, no Levi waking him up with a soft smile on his face. Eren’s heart dropped, realizing his arms were empty, the spot that would usually be taken by Levi’s was replaced by emptiness, cold and bitter emptiness. He looked towards the end of the bed to see something around the covers of the bed. It happened again.

There it was, Levi, lifelessly laying on his bed’s side, with the covers up his eyes as the sun bothered him. Eren hated seeing him like that, he hated when those moments happened, he couldn’t do anything about it and that killed him.

“Hey, are you awake?” Eren asked looking over his lover, he knew talking to Levi would have been pointless, still, it was better than just ignoring the situation.

He waited one, five to ten minutes receiving no answer. Eren sighed and went to the bathroom.

Those days were the ones Eren hated the most. The first time it happened was after they celebrated 6 months as a couple, two years ago. It took a lot of convincing from Eren to even going out that night. Levi wasn’t the type of person who liked to go out much or celebrate in loud places. Eren convinced him by going to his sister’s restaurant, where he knew they would get the privacy Levi was looking for.

That night was splendid, they joked, laughed and looked at each other’s as if nothing else mattered in the world. Eren was ready to drop the “L” word that night, he thought it was the right day, he left completely at ease with him and couldn’t pick a better occasion. Levi made him happy, free. He wanted him to know that.

Plans didn’t go as he expected, **though**.

The moment they reached out Eren’s house, Levi’s expression changed, he was distant, his eyes were unfocused and Eren wondered if he did anything to make him uncomfortable. He was scared of the sudden change, he didn’t dare to ask.

  
Eren suggested watching some movies as a distraction. Levi faintly agreed to it and Eren left a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding.

They watched the movie on the sofa with blankets on to keep each other warm. Eren's arms were hugging Levi tight as his lover wouldn’t say a world, flinch or even look at him in the eyes, no matter how many times Eren caressed him or kissed the top of his head, Levi wouldn’t say or do anything.

Eren was starting to get worried.

When the movie ended and credit roll started to show on the screen, Levi looked at Eren for the first time since they came back home from their date.  
His eyes were as cold as ever, lifeless. Those weren’t the eyes Eren used to be greeted with every time he looked at him.

He felt sick in the stomach, he didn’t like to see his lover like this. He dared not to speak, too afraid, waiting for Levi to say something.

After what he felt like was a lifetime, Levi broke the silence, turned his head to the door and said.

“I think I should go now.”

Eren's stomach dropped, he felt horrible. Nothing that happened that day made him think Levi would have ended up reacting that way.

“Why? Did something happen? Are you okay? Did I upset you?”

Eren couldn’t stop all the questions to leave his mouth, he kept them inside during the duration of the movie, but he was getting anxious.

''No, I'm just tired.''

 _Liar_ , Eren didn't believe him. He had no idea what to do, he felt uneasy in letting him go.

''Do you want to stay?''

''Eren, I-''

  
''No, look.'' Eren interrupted Levi as he was getting from the sofa, holding him by placing his hand on Levi's wrist.

He had no intention of letting him go home looking like that.

''I don't feel comfortable in letting you go home, I can sleep here and you take the bed if you want. You don't have to hang out with me, but I'd feel happier knowing you're here, please.''

Those words were slowly registered in Levi as he gradually lifted his head to look at Eren, his eyes that held emptiness until some seconds ago were now filled with tears.  
Eren let go of him in fear of having gone too far, he has never seen Levi cry in front of him and that scared Eren so much. There were too many new things happening in so little time, and he had no idea what to do.

  
He stared at Levi, now sitting on the floor trying to cover his face with his hands. No matter how much he tried to hide, Eren could tell he was crying due to his shoulders shaking.

Eren didn't know what to do, many thoughts were floating through his mind. He ended up doing nothing but waiting for Levi to calm down. Trying to touch him again was clearly a bad idea.

It seemed like eternity when he stopped crying to look at Eren in the eyes. Eren was holding his breath, waiting for Levi to feel comfortable to speak, get up, do anything.

''I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.''

''What's going on Levi? Please I want to help.'' Levi moved from his spot to get closer to Eren. His hand rested on Eren's cheeck, apparently he started crying too. Levi was trying to comfort him in a way, he didn't realize he has been crying until Levi's fingers were caressing the wet spot on his cheeks.

_'I should be the one to comfort you.'_ Eren thought, he felt powerless, the situation was starting to make him feel even more anxious than before and Levi was giving him answers, nothing that could reassure him.

Before Eren could say anything else,Levi removed his hand from Eren's face, moving closer to rest his head on Eren's chest. They were still on the floor next to the sofa where Levi started crying.

He sighed before speaking again ''I'm really sorry Eren. I'll stay if you still want me to.''

Eren waited some moments, making sure Levi had nothing else to add then nobbed

''Yeah, of course Levi.''

''I'll go to sleep then.'' With that he got up, leaving a very confused Eren on the floor, with a heavy chest and confusion in his head.

The next day Eren woke up with a very inconvenient back pain. It was 7 am, way too early for his standard during weekends. All he could think about before going to sleep was what happened with Levi, he relived the night before in his head trying to figure out what could have triggered that reaction from Levi. There was nothing that Eren could think of. He was afraid Levi might have fallen out of love with him and didn't know how to tell him.

What was he even saying? Falling out of love? He didn't even know if Levi loved him.

Eren snorted at his hopeless thought and decided it was time to check on Levi. Saying he wasn't worried would be a huge lie, but it wasn't the time to think of that right now. He just hoped Levi would have been able to speak to him by now.

Walking to his bedroom's door Eren sighed loudly, his heart was racing faster and faster at every step he took. The moment he opened the bedroom's door Eren stopped.

He scanned the room trying to find Levi, he couldn't see anything.

Did he leave? Fear was taking place where once anxiety of facing him was. 'Don't panic.' He kept repeating himself.

He took a step closer to the bed, scanning closer what he had in front of him. He noticed there was a bulge on the bed, focusing his eyes Eren noticed Levi was under the covers.

Eren knew he was small but looking at him like that made him seem even smaller. He felt like crying all over again, what was going on and what could he do to make it better?

''Levi, its me. Can we talk?'' Levi sightly shifted hearing his name being called. But that was it, he didn't say anything back to him.

  
Eren tried again, calling him as he walked near where Levi was.

Seeing as there was no reaction still, Eren decided to move the covers of his bed , finally able to see Levi's face and check if he had cried during the night or not.

What he didn't expect was Levi's reaction, he yanked Eren's hand from the cover turning around.

Saying Eren was hurt at the sudden reaction was an understatement. What really got him was hearing Levi screaming ''Leave me alone.'' as he tried to call him again.

He took a step back, hurt by what just happened. He couldn't believe it, nothing like that ever happened before. Sure, Levi wasn't a walking sunshine but still he never acted like that, Eren's heart started to pound loudly, thoughts running through his head, fears and worries. He looked at Levi one last time before leaving the room.

Once he moved back to the living room where the sofa was, Eren caught himself crying. He didn't know it was happening, but he welcomed the tears. He cried for what he thought were hours.

Once he calmed down the only thing he thought he could do was reaching out for one of his lover's friends.  
Nothing like that has ever happened before, and he was too scared to mess things up. He found his phone on the table next to him, scrolling his contacts until he found the one he was looking for.

Erwin was the one he called, Levi's best friend. He grew impatient as he waited for him to pick up the phone, wondering how come it took him this long to answer. Maybe it was just Eren being too anxious to realize Erwin picked up at the third ring.

When Erwin answered, Eren broke down once again. He told him everything that happened, what Levi said, did and how he couldn't get him out of his bed. Much to his surpise Erwin didn't seem startled by the nformation, on the other end he could hear him sigh.

Was this something that happened that often? Was Levi like this all the time? Why did he only learn about this now?

Levi and Eren started dating only six months ago, sure, but they have known each other for longer than that, he couldn't believe that he never noticed anything like that before, was it obvious? Was Levi hiding something from him or what? His thoughts were interrupted as Erwin spoke on the other end of the phone.

_''Eren, I didn't want to be the one to tell you but Levi suffer from severe depression. I'm very sorry you had to learn about it this way.''_

Saying Eren was shattered didn't even come close to how he felt at the moment. He didn't think Levi was suffering this much. He had no knowledge of the sort, he had no idea how to act.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Eren realized Erwin was still talking.

''What can I do for him?'' Eren said interrupting Erwin.

_''Excuse me?''_ Erwin was clearly taken by surprise from being interrupted so suddenly.

''What should I do? Do I call the hospital? Do I talk to him? Do I force him out of bed? What can I do to make him feel alright? It pains me to see him like that.''

Those last words were choked by the tears he tried to hold. He wanted to look strong for Levi but that wasn't working, it was too much at once.

_''I'm surprised you're not asking more about what happened, Eren I-''_

''He will tell me when he feels comfortable to do so.'' Eren interrupted Erwin once again, he felt very strong about making sure Levi felt safe around him.

He couldn't even begin to imagine how Levi must have felt the night before, the breakdown and everything else. Eren wanted to go there and hold him, he wanted to tell him everything was going to be alright, but he knew he had to be stronger and do what's right for him.

_''I'm glad to hear that Eren.''_ Erwin said on the phone. _''I'll come and pick him up, he doesn't have his meds with him I suppose. We'll have to go to the doctor and get a refill. He'll probably have to stay with me for a couple of days until he's stable again. Don't panic, alright? Everything will be alright, this isn't the first time it has happened.''_

''Okay, I'll send you the address and you can come pick him up, he doesn't want to get up though. I don't want to force him, Erwin. He screamed at me when I tried to wake him up.''

Eren cringed at the memory of what happened some minutes ago, he wanted to cry again, he had to hold it. No more cries.

Erwin reassured Eren about all of his thoughts and worries. Levi needed help, that's all that matter at the moment.

Eren hang up and waited in the hallway for Erwin to knock on the door and pick Levi up. It felt like time stopped, minutes felt like hours and hours felt like years. Eren was sure he has never felt that anxious in his life, he questioned everything that has happened so far and why he never noticed that. He was crying at the thought of Levi having to hide these things to him. How many times has it happened when he was around? How many times did he end up cancelling on him because of that, pretending something else came up? Eren cried and cried, knowing his lover was in the other room, suffering from something he couldn't even control.

Tears didn't stop streaming down his face, until Erwin came to pick Levi up.

It broke Eren's heart to see Erwin convince Levi to leave the bed, he looked lifeless, it felt as Erwin was actually moving him around. Levi had no strength to do anything and that broke him even more. He wouldn't look at Eren in the eye, he must have felt ashamed. Eren wants to run to him, hug him and tell him it was going to be alright, that he didn't care, that wouldn't stop him from loving Levi more and more.

He did nothing of what he wanted to, thought. On the way to the door Levi looked at Eren for the first time since the night before, there was nothing in those eyes, Eren had to refrain himself from crying in front of him.

  
''I'm sorry.'' Levi said faintly, he looked down as soon as he said those words, gesturing Erwin to go, before he could step out of the house Eren touched his hand softly, that unexpected action made Levi look up to where Eren's hand was and slowly move to meet Eren's eyes.

Eren was full of determination now, he didn't want Levi to feel sorry for it, he needed to let him know that changed nothing in their relationship. He said the only thing he could think would be the right one to say at that very moment.

''It's okay. I'll wait for when you will be ready to talk.'' Eren said with a small smile.

Levi was surprised at Eren's word, tears were forming in his eyes as he tried to hide his face by looking at the door. Eren squeezed his hand a little to let him not it was okay.

Much to Eren surprised Levi squeezed back, making Eren gasp in surprise and happiness to his response.  
Before anything else could have been exchange, Erwin interrupted their moment by apologizing and pointing out they really needed to go.

Eren let go of Levi's hand and watched as they left together.

Closing the door of his house Eren went to his bedroom where Levi was previously lying not so long ago. He sat there and cried, cried so much he thought he was going to faint.

A week went by from Levi's episode. He was finally ready to talk things through with Eren. They met up at Eren's house, it was intense. They both cried as Levi explain everything to him.

Levi suffered from depression since a young age, he had very bad episodes during his university years, he wouldn't be able to get out of his bed for weeks, he wouldn't eat, drink, take care of himself. He explained to Eren that his cleaning obsession happened due his depressive episodes. He fought them as much as he could by trying to keep himself clean, to care about his surrounding and taking care of his body. The days he couldn't bring himself to care, he knew it was happening again, it frustrated him, it made him angry. But at the same time he didn't care, he felt nothing but emptiness. Life would lose its meaning in those moments, he wouldn't be able to think of anything that would make him want to fight, he would just want to disappear. He felt suffocated by his own thoughts, it killed him on the inside wishing the pain to go away in the most terrible way he could think of.

The more he explained to Eren, the more he cried, the more Eren hugged him tightly.

Levi told Eren he wanted to wait a little longer before telling him about it. He was afraid that it would have driven him away from him and Levi felt like he wasn't ready to say goodbye to such a positive light in his life. It pained Eren to think Levi was scared of losing him for such reason, but he also understood where he was coming from.

That day was spent on Eren's bed, they were cuddling as Eren caressed Levi's hair as he kept on talking about his experiences, his thoughts or nothing at all.

As times went by their relationship became even more stable. Eren couldn't imagine himself living without Levi, and he knew his lover felt the same way. The night Eren asked him to finally live together, Levi was taken back and went silent for a long time.

Eren knew what it was that was holding Levi from saying yes. Levi was afraid of having other depressive episodes in front of him, that day was still fresh in his memory.

The only thing Eren could do in those moments was holding his hand as he waited for his answer.

It took them weeks, months actually, before Levi accepted Eren's offer.

That was the day Levi said I love you for the first time. It was during a heartful moment, Levi opening up about his fears, of what Eren would have to deal with, what he would do and not do during those moments.

''If it's too much for you, please, you have to tell me. I need to know that Eren.'' He said as tears were starting to form in his eyes. He would always get emotional when touching this topic.

Eren took his hand, he squeezed it softly as he looked him in the eyes an said ''Levi, I want nothing more than help you as much as I can. I care about you, I want to be with you and make you happy. Please don't shoulder everything by yourself. Share it with me, I'm here for you.''

And that's when it happened. Levi looked from where Eren's hand was resting, to his eyes. He looked at him with such intensity Eren was caught off guard.

''I love you, Eren. I really do.''

After those words were spoken, everything else was a blur.

Eren was the happiest he has ever been.

They started living together, Eren learned how to deal with Levi's episodes, he learned to notice when they were about to happen. Eren was patient and Levi would never not be grateful for that.

Years went on, those episodes weren't as bad as they used to be. Sometimes they still were and Eren knew how to take care of him. It pained him to see Levi like that, but he did his best not to make him feel a burden.

They were happy, _**they really were.**_

Two years went on after that night Eren learned about everything.

It was that Sunday morning where no humming were heard, Levi wasn't in his arms and the light was taken from Levi's eyes once again.

After realising and accepting what was going on, Eren got up, kissed him on the head, left to take a shower, made a simple breakfast for Levi to eat, gave him his pills and waited for it to get better. Trying to make him do things he loved, little steps to make him feel like moving again.

Every night he would go to sleep with Levi already in bed, still in bed, from nights before. He would hold his hand before kissing him goodnight, telling him it would be alright. Sometimes he would hear Levi cry, whispering.

_Sorry. I'm sorry._

But Eren squeezed his hands even tighter. There's nothing be sorry about.

It will get better, you'll be fine. I love you.

These words were whispered every night to him.

After a week, Eren was woken up by familiar smell and the humming he learned to love and cherish so much.

**Author's Note:**

> I had an episode and decided to write this.
> 
> (English isn't my first language, I'm sure and aware there are many errors, I just wanted to write something for myself and thought it would be cool to share.)


End file.
